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<title>Taking a Risk: I Wear My Heart On My Sleeve by Seachelle (TBCSeachelle)</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28564161">Taking a Risk: I Wear My Heart On My Sleeve</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TBCSeachelle/pseuds/Seachelle'>Seachelle (TBCSeachelle)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>None - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>AngstyOneshotAboutMe, F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 03:27:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,718</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28564161</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TBCSeachelle/pseuds/Seachelle</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>THIS IS A ONESHOT ABOUT UH- me ig..<br/>TW: This contains depictions of depression, brief mentions of self-harm and suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and the likely afflictions.<br/>Please don't read this if you get triggered easily, or are uncomfortable about depression.</p><p>Also iz a very angsty oneshot<br/>Basically my life story lmao, but shhh</p><p>~Author Chan~</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Me/ H/N</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Taking a Risk: I Wear My Heart On My Sleeve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>We'll see how this goes</p><p>Hopefully I didn't spill my life story to a thousand strangers.<br/>Hopefully. :D</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I spent my whole life in the shadows.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It wasn't that I particularly like being in the dark, being alone, being unappreciated, it was just what I was so used to. I was just taught at a young age, that it is better to be seen than heard, or if at all, be the second man, working undercover. <br/>Sure, someone else would get all the glory, while I, the real creditor, would be left- unappreciated. Again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But for me, that was just normal.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I was used to being the sidekick. The minor character. Maybe the protagonist's best friend, if I was lucky.<br/>While someone else sang, stealing the hearts of the audience, I accompanied them, on the piano in the background.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The music faded into their singing, along with me.</em>
</p><p><em>I never expected.. him to pull me into the light.<br/>It was anxiety spiking, so traumatic at first. I wanted to fall, cradle my head, and be left alone. </em>"No, NO! I am not the star. I can't be a hero. I don't deserve- I don't want attention."</p><p>
  <em>I closed my fist around my heart and hid it under lock and key.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Hurt so many times, there was no such thing as risk, no such thing as risking it be hurt again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But they all would say, "If you're already scarred and stabbed, what difference does a few more knives in you back make?"<br/>They didn't say that out loud of course. But they DID that to me. Hurt over and over again, I didn't know what to believe. Do I trust in someone, someone who could break my heart again?<br/>Then again, what difference did a few more cracks in this already cracked heart make?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I felt the same about the stage.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I hated me, I hated every breath I took, my insecurity overwhelming me into self-harm, deprecating my body, until it was as ugly as I already saw it as.<br/>Although..<br/>In all, unselfish honesty, I was not un-talented.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I could have had the looks.<br/>I had the voice to sing, to speak, to melt others' hearts.<br/>I had the brain to solve things, if I wanted to, I could make my writing come to life.<br/>I had the motivation to work a paintbrush, and not stop until I got it right.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Where did it all go wrong?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If you receive a pair of roller skates, then let it sit out in the garage for years, when you finally decide to use them, they will not fit.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>They told me I was ugly, I would never be worth a cent.<br/>They locked away my voice, took it away, turning me into a puppet to say what they wanted me to.<br/>They convinced me I was stupid, hurt me until I really believed that, yes, I was stupid and could not do anything.<br/>They took away the paintbrushes, and put out the books, forcing me to do the work, hours and hours.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Practice makes perfect."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But in the end? I was not perfect. My hands shook under pressure. My brain turned to putty.<br/>I couldn't think anymore. I was hypnotized. Who was I before? Who am I now? Two different people.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Over the years, they broke me down so much, then rebuilt me again in their likeness.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Like a clay sculpture, if I have a single imperfection, they must tear me down, and start shaping me again, into what they want. Not what I am already.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Practice makes perfect."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So.. it seems like I need a lot more practice.<br/>I wanted to be important. To feel loved. To feel.. like a protagonist. But when given the chance?<br/>I couldn't do it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I broke down.</em>
</p><p>"No.. no! I.. don't do this-" my hands shook, microphone clattering to the ground. "Th-they'll judge me! If I make a single mistake- I'll be torn to pieces.. I can't risk that. I'm.. so sorry."</p><p>I clutched his shirt, sobbing before I even realized I was. Before I even realized that he was embracing me, he wasn't pushing me away, or telling me my heart wasn't a big deal. <br/>I probably looked horrible, a mess, eyes red, hair rumpled.</p><p>But when I looked up into his clear eyes, they were kind and soft. <br/>Before, I never could have imagined him to make that kind of face... yet here he was. Mr. Cold and Indifferent to others' feelings. Making a sort of sympathetic face... for me?<br/>Was I such a mess, that I was pitiable to- even him?!</p><p>Before I could scream to myself, "Seachelle, don't ruin your life again! Let yourself be loved. Please." <br/>I pushed him away first, running down the stairs. <em>Clack. Clack. Clack.</em></p><p>My heart pounded in rhythm with my shoes along the floor. Where was I going? I didn't know. Why was I running? I.. didn't know.</p><p>All I could feel, was myself, crying, screaming, hurting, choking, trying to get away, all at the same time. <br/>He surely wouldn't chase for me now.</p><p>He went out of his way, to offer someone like ME kindness.<br/>He'd been through so much pain, he's closed his heart off like me. He allowed himself to be shoved around, acting cold and indifferent to everyone he knew, as if saying, "Hurt me more, I don't care."</p><p>He opened up his fragile wings, for me, all for me.<br/>And.. I took him for granted. Just like everyone else.</p><p>Why, oh why, could I not get over this selfish, inexplicable longing for perfection, and just let myself be loved for once? Even for a day, an hour, a minute, why could my stupid self not let a glimmer of love slip through the walls?<br/>The reason being..</p><p>I spent these years.</p><p>Building the walls. Through pain, effort, determination. My subconsciousness vowed, "We will stick to the shadows. To being alone. To being unappreciated. And we can get through this. No more heartbreak, that's all. No. More. Heartbreak."</p><p>Yet.. the pain, the near death that came from these walls, were all easily torn down.. by a random boy?</p><p>He.. no. I couldn't accept the fact that someone, maybe just someone, who could help me live happily had come along.<br/>Maybe somewhere along the way, I'd lost all hope. But it was too late now.</p><p>As always, I ruined my life, and pushed him away. This time.. it was me who fucked up.<br/>I backed up against the brick wall, and crashed to the grass. The blue sky.. how dare it look so beautiful on the outside, when inside, there was a tsunami, a tornado, a whirlpool, a hailstorm.</p><p>On cue, the clouds darkened, thunder roared, and rain poured onto my limp body.</p><hr/><p>"Come in. You'll get a cold." <br/><em>What..? Why am I not getting wet-?</em><br/>Seachelle looked up, at the umbrella over her head. And the piercing, eyes, like a storm, blazing a hole in hers. </p><p>"You.."</p><p>"Came for you. Yeah, I know. I seriously had my doubts, but what idiot would lie on the street in the rain? I had to do something."</p><p>Seachelle coughed, and pushed him and the umbrella away. "I-I don't need you.. go away, just leave me alone."</p><p>H/N's eyes softened sadly, and Seachelle knew he was going to go away, like the wimp he was. But to her surprised, his eyes hardened, glinting like diamonds. "You idiot.." he breathed softly.<br/>The umbrella fell to the ground behind him, a black star in the stormy blue sky.</p><p>"..what?"</p><p>H/N grabbed her collar, eyes blazing with such fury, she's never seen before. "Urgh!" he lifted her up a little by the collar, and she sputtered. "YOU IDIOT!" he snapped. "THAT'S IT! YOU THINK I'M SUCH A WIMP, DON'T YOU? WELL GUESS THE HELL WHAT? I AM."</p><p>H/N collapsed to the ground, sitting in front of her, letting go of her collar. Seachelle's eyes widened. He looked broken.. kind of like.. her..</p><p>"You think I can stand it, every time I see you comparing yourself to someone else, self-harming in the bathroom when you think no one's watching, mocking yourself, acting like its a joke and you're okay, but it's really not.. seeing you so hurt, seeing you ending up like me.." Seachelle stared in disbelief. Was this the H/N she knew? "IS SOMETHING I CAN'T TOLERATE ANY LONGER!" he shouted.</p><p>He grabbed her collar again, shaking her angrily, but Seachelle felt numb to the water splashing down her.</p><p>"WHY?! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET YOURSELF BE LOVED?! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST- ACCEPT WHAT LIFE IS AND LOOK FOR THE GOOD THINGS?! THE SILVER LINING? WHY CAN'T YOU LET ME LOVE YOU? LET HER LOVE YOU? LET THEM LOVE YOU?"<br/>Seachelle gritted her teeth, fist clenching. <br/>She cried out, punching H/N in the cheek. He stumbled back, releasing her collar. Seachelle clenched her fists. "I WISH IT WAS THAT EASY, OKAY? YOU HAVE NO IDEA-"</p><p>The two were both in rage.</p><p>"I, HAVE NO IDEA? REALLY? YOU KNOW HOW I AM. BUT I WANTED TO BREAK DOWN MY WALLS FOR YOU! BREAK DOWN YOUR WALLS TOO- BUT WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET ME?!"</p><p>Seachelle sobbed desperately, rain in her eyes as she tilted her head to the sky. "Why does it have to be us? I'm scared, H/N. I don't want to be hurt again, like I always, always am. I'm not ready to break down that wall yet. I'm not ready to have a life-long bond, us two growing old together, helping each other through the pain. I'm not."</p><p>H/N quieted down, small streams of tears- or rain trickling down his cheek. He reached out and held her cheek, his hand was warm despite the rain. "I'm not ready either. I don't want to see anything bad happen to you-" he swallowed hard. "Like it happened to her. I don't want to be judged. I'm not ready to tear down my wall of isolation, and sternness, but.."</p><p>Their eyes met, and for a brief, unimaginable minute, the rain stopped pouring and everything was completely quiet.</p><p>"I'll take that risk. For you. Will you take that risk for me?"</p><p>
  <strong>KSJFKSJKFJKSJKSFJKFJ IT ENDS THERE MUAHAHAHAHAHHA &gt;:) oh i am SO bad- well I hoped you enjoyed this 3 am angst</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>*sniff* I am not crying, YOU'RE CRYING- BAKA!</strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ah, Okay, I did just spill my life story to strangers.<br/>Lets just say its a oneshot about my character- who has the same name as me- and resembles me- haha would you look at that.....</p><p> </p><p>Kudos are appreciated &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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